


I wish that I was good enough

by vcdbtch2



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Cheating, Derek is an Ass, Fluff and Smut, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Sad Spencer Reid, Suicide Attempt, but he's soft - Freeform, moried
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:20:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26695894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vcdbtch2/pseuds/vcdbtch2
Summary: Approaching the bedroom door, Spencer prepared himself for Derek to be bleeding out on the floor somewhere or a serial killer to be holding him hostage. He definitely didn't expect to find his boyfriend on top of another man, nor for that man to look similar to him.- When Derek cheats on Spencer, he leaves the BAU until everything catches up with him.
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid
Comments: 3
Kudos: 116





	I wish that I was good enough

**Author's Note:**

> Mentions of Attempted suicides, blood, self harm and hospitals.

Out of all the things he had gone through in his life - his Father leaving, his Mother being a schizophrenic, the closest thing to a Father he had leaving him, being shot at god knows how many times, being kidnapped and getting addicted to heroin -, Spencer never thought getting cheated on was something that he would experience. Especially not being cheated on by his best friend, partner and boyfriend Derek Morgan.

He knew something wasn't right when he got home from his Las Vegas trip. The door to his apartment was chained closed, there was a rather eerie feeling around when he approached and after knocking the third time and getting no answer, he knew he had to get inside and fast. He knocked one last time, clinging on to a little hope that Derek didn't hear the door. But after there was yet another silence, he unholstered his gun and kicked the door down.

Approaching the bedroom door, Spencer prepared himself for Derek to be bleeding out on the floor somewhere or a serial killer to be holding him hostage. He definitely didn't expect to find his boyfriend ontop of another man, nor for that man to look similar to him.

Derek must have heard the commotion because he was up on his feet in a flash with his gun in his hand. There was a moment where none of them spoke, Spencer was just standing there with his gun dangling from his hand, his eyes darting between his boyfriend and his lover and Derek's eyes were wide as saucers, his mouth opening and closing like a gaping fish.

Spencer finally managed to snap out of his daze to spin on his heels and run. He could hear Derek curse and footsteps pounding behind him and he thought he could vaguely make out a voice calling after him but he couldn't focus on anything other than the persistent buzzing in his ears and the sharp thud of his heartbeat against his ribs.

Everything after that was a blur, his mind only half processed running to the metro with his gun still in his hand, holstering his gun and stepping on the train. The second he slumped down on the sticky seats of the subway he felt his phone buzz in his pants and he didn't have to look to know it was Derek. Spencer just let It ring, his mind still buzzing with unanswered questions, too incoherent to talk to anyone. Especially him.

From there, his feet mechanically took him off the train to a cab where he was taken to a nearby hotel. The whole cab ride was a blur of green smudges that his brain absent mindedly told him were trees, the cab driver's drowned out voice as he attempted to make conversation and the distant honking of traffic. He was grateful even in a daze his brain was smart enough to book a hotel and even more grateful he was smart enough to leave his phone on the subway so no one could track him.

Once he opened the door to the hotel room, he stood in the doorway as he tried to work out what to do next. He's never really had hotel rooms before, the only time he ever needs one is when he visit's his Mother or when the team have to stay the night for a case. He wasn't sure why this time felt so different, all he could focus on was how lonely he felt and how big the double bed looked in comparison to him.

Usually, he and Derek would room together on cases and they would share the bed, spending hours talking about whatever came to their minds or doing other things one should probably refrain from doing in a hotel room.

That was what finally shocked him out of his daze, the realization that Derek wasn't there with him. He could feel his heartbeat pound faster and faster in his chest, could hear his ragged breathing fill the quiet room, could taste the metallic of blood and he vaguely realized he was biting his lip so hard to stop himself from having a panic attack he drew blood.

He didn't know what to do, the large bed in the middle of the room only made his heart beat faster because Derek wasn't there with him. He was at home, in bed with another man because apparently Spencer wasn't good enough for him and Spencer was here, in a hotel room half an hour away trying to work out how this happened.

Spencer knew he wasn't the best boyfriend. He was nerdy, tended to talk too much and didn't like to talk about his feelings so he was often closed off but he thought he offered more in other aspects that kept Derek happy.

Derek always told Spencer he loved him, every night before they went to bed he would show it to him in the best ways, every morning they would have breakfast and when Derek saw Spencer putting copious amounts of sugar in his coffee, he would chuckle and press a kiss to his forehead, murmuring 'I love you' against his skin. He didn't understand why Derek couldn't just talk to him, if he was this unhappy he could have just broke it off instead of doing the unimaginable.

He didn't even realize he was crying, nor did he realize he was now sitting against the door with his knees pulled to his chest but he didn't have the strength to care. Everything in his life felt like it was falling apart and he couldn't do anything to stop it. He buried his face further into his knees, slapping his hands against his ears in an attempt to drown out the sounds of his own cries. The people in the other rooms could surely hear him gasping for air but he didn't care enough, not when the person he loved more than himself didn't think he was worthy of a proper break-up.

Spencer woke up disoriented with a stiff neck and a sore back, his knees still buried In his chest and the tears dried on his face, but it wasn't long before the memories of the night before came flooding back and his heart was racing again.

As much as he wanted to stay, he knew he couldn't. He had serial killers to catch and that was more important to him than his own wellbeing. He also knew if he missed a day and didn't answer his phone, someone would come looking for him which would lead to them tracing his phone and knowing his team, they would do anything they could to find him so there was no point hiding.

He slowly lifted himself onto his feet and popped his back, rubbing the heels of his hands to his eyes to fight off the oncoming headache and headed towards the hotel bathroom.

Spencer wasn't surprised to see he looked like a mess, his hair messy from running his hands through it, his shirt and tie crumpled, his face red and blotchy with dark circles under his eyes and dried tear tracks on his cheeks. He turned the tap on and splashed cool water on his face, staring at himself in the mirror and gripping the sink so tight his fingers turned white.

Then much like yesterday, his feet took him outside the hotel to a cab where everything passed as a blur until he got to the metro station. He was aware he looked like a wreck and people were staring but he couldn't bring himself to sink under their gaze like he usually would, his mind was completely blank. He didn't allow himself to think about what he was going to do, to feel what he needed to until he was pressing the button for the elevator at the BAU. He was vaguely aware he didn't have his messenger bag with him but like everything else, he couldn't bring himself to care.

"Morning Spence" JJ said as he walked in. He knew he was being spoken too but his mouth felt so dry he couldn't answer if he wanted too.

As soon as he sat down in his chair, his eyes drifted over to Derek's empty desk and he almost lost it right there and then.

"Spence, are you okay? What's wrong?" JJ's worried voice made him look up and the look of concern on her eyebrows made him wince. He wanted to yell at her for being concerned, he wasn't worth being worried about, he wasn't worth anything if Derek didn't want him.

"I'm fine, just didn't sleep well" Spencer lied, his hoarse voice either proving his point or making a liar out of him.

"Have you been crying?" She asked and made a move to put her hand on his shoulder but seemed to think it wasn't a good idea and retracted her arm.

Spencer shook his head, swallowing thickly as his eyes begun to sting. He knew he couldn't cry in front of her, that would let her know something was wrong and he would have no choice but to tell her. He couldn't do that, not when he was still trying to wrap his head around everything.

"No" He lied again. If it wasn't for Hotch coming into the bullpen announcing they had a case, he's sure JJ would have asked him another question and he would have lost it. He was out of his seat before his boss was finished talking, aware of the eyes on him as he darted to the briefing room and sat down in his usual seat at the table.

Things moved on like they usually would from there. Garcia briefed everyone of the case - a string of teenage girls being abducted, raped and them dismembered with their body parts being scattered in different dumpsters in all of Virginia. -, JJ, Emily and Rossi chimed in with their speculations of the case based on the information Garcia was giving them and when prompted, Reid would spit out fact after fact that he thought was relevant.

The only thing that was different was Derek's absence, and his teammate's eyes occasionally flicking over to him like they could just tell something was wrong. He wouldn't be surprised if they did, they are highly trained profilers after all, figuring out what's wrong with people is literally their job.

Just when he thought he could get through the day with things being the way they were, the door opened and Derek stood in the doorway. Their eyes locked for mere seconds before Spencer looked away and did everything he could to make himself look busy so no one would talk to him. He could feel the other man's gaze on him and the tension in the room was making him uncomfortable but he knew he couldn't leave, not without making a scene.

When the briefing was finally over and everyone stood to make their way to the jet, Spencer shot up out of his chair and scrambled to get to the door before anyone noticed but a hand on his shoulder stopped him. He stilled under the touch, knowing exactly who's hand it was but he still turned around to face him.

"Ried, I'm sorry. Can we talk?" Derek begged, his face contorted in pain. Spencer felt a pang in his heart at how exhausted the other man looked, clearly he had been up all night but he didn't ask like he usually would.

"S-sorry no, I have to go" Spencer stammered out, shaking Derek's hand off him and heading to his desk.

The case went by in another blur. The entire jet ride to the first crime scene Spencer sat at the back of the plane, ignoring the eyes on him in favor of gazing out the window with a blank expression. A few times Rossi or JJ tried to pry information out of him but he said nothing, just continued to look at the fluffy clouds until he was left alone.

They managed to catch the killer within a few hours, with the help of the local authorities. The killer was a guy in his mid 20's who slipped drugs into Women's drinks at bars, waiting until they were disoriented enough to take them home where he would rape them and then dismember them. He then would put their body parts in large trash bags and drive to six different dumpster locations for each body part where they would be found, usually by homeless people looking for food. Danial king - the killer - was close to getting away but thanks to him slipping up and forgetting to wear gloves, his prints were all over the bag and once they found him in the database, they were able to go to his home in time catch him just before he was about to rape another young women.

Derek had tried to talk to Spencer a few times, looking genuinely upset but he was quick to exit the room, feeling his palms sweat every time they were close. He knew they needed to talk about things but it was hard when every time they were in the same room, his heart rate would spike and his breathing would come out in sharp puffs. Spencer knew he would have a panic attack if they talked and the last thing he needed was Derek's hands all over him, trying to comfort him when they were all over another man just the night before.

It wasn't until the plane ride home did Hotch come over to him and he knew right there and then he was in deep.

"Look Reid, I don't know what's going on with you and Morgan but it's got to stop. You have both been very tense today and you're lucky it didn't interfere with the case. You either talk to him privately or I talk for you"

For the first time today, Reid looked at Hotch and nodded. Hotch wasn't the only one noticing the tension, the entire team could sense something had happened between the two and they could tell both Spencer and Derek was upset about it.

"I can't" Spencer shuddered, squeezing his eyes shut and letting his head fall back onto the seat. "I can't talk to him Hotch I just-, I can't"

"Reid, I don't know what happened between you two but you are the closest with each other than the rest of the team. It's obvious something has happened or someone has done something to upset both of you and as a friend, not as a boss, I am asking that you talk to each other. You are both two of my finest agents and it would be a shame for one or both of you to have to be let go because you couldn't talk to each other"

"Hotch, if you knew what happened you would be having this talk with him, not me. I'm not the one in the wrong here, he is and I can't talk to him because every time I try to I feel like I'm going to pass out. I'm not going to be able to talk to him so if you have to fire me, so be it"

He wasn't sure what possessed him to say that, he knew very well he could talk to Derek over text or by letter if he had to, but he chose the easy way out. He would never be able to get the things he saw out of his head, never would be able to stop seeing Derek's hurt face In his mind and he knew the easiest way out was to just leave.

Later that night, Spencer sat at his desk under the dim light of his reading lamp with his two week notice In front of him and a pen in his hand. The only thing stopping him from signing the letter was the team. He knew JJ, Emily and Garcia would be upset about him leaving without a word, Garcia and JJ would probably go so far as to be angry with him. Hotch and Rossi would be confused but they would have no choice but to file his resignation, knowing they wouldn't be able to stop him. Derek would be the upset of them all, he would probably drink himself half to death but as selfish as it was, Spencer didn't care.

Somewhere, deep inside of his heart, he still loved Derek and he knew things could work out if they just talked but there was a little voice inside of his head telling him if he just signed the letter, everyone would get over it eventually and it would be like he wasn't there in the first place.

So he did.

* * *

Derek knew something was up the moment he stepped through the elevator to see Hotch and Rossi standing near Spencer's desk, Spencer's _empty_ desk. No one else seemed to know what was going one either, they were all standing around murmuring to themselves while Derek surged forward.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"I have some upsetting news " Hotch started, his stoic expression shifting into sadness as his eyes darted between each member of the team. "This morning, I received Spencer's two week notice"

"what do you mean? Two week notice means-" JJ started but was interrupted.

"That he quit, yes" Rossi spoke. "He did not say why he quit, just that it was better for everyone and he would keep in touch. I know this is a shock to you all with Spencer being apart of this team but we can't let this interfere with out jobs, we have killers to catch and we must continue doing so without him"

Around him, everyone dissolved into nervous chatter and Derek thought he could hear some sniffling but he wasn't sure, all he could hear was his heart pounding in his ears. He did this, he made Spencer leave, he hurt Spencer in the worst way possible, it was all his fault.

He hadn't even realized he had started hyperventilating until he felt hands on his shoulders, gently urging him to sit. He was vaguely aware of soft hands on his head, pushing his head between his knees and warm fingers rubbing soothing circles on his back but the rest was a blur. All he could think about was Spencer and how badly he fucked up.

"just breathe Derek, focus on my voice" Garcia's soothing voice floated into his ears. He was aware that was one of the first time's she hadn't used a flirty nickname when addressing him but he didn't care, he wanted - no he _needed,_ \- Spencer.

"it's all my fault" Derek sniffled once he had finally calmed down but was still yet to pull his head from his knees. He didn't need to to know he was surrounded by his co-workers, he didn't need to see their faces to know they were confused.

"How is it your fault?" JJ asked.

"We were together and I fucked up real bad" Derek said, not willing to tell them the whole truth. He knew if he did he would lose his friends and possibly his job, he couldn't cope with that. He had already lost the most important thing to him, he didn't need to lose everything else too.

"it's not your fault, Derek. Spencer left us, he obviously got sick of working here or something but he brought this on himself" Garcia said. Derek wanted to pull out of her soothing grip and yell at her, scream at her and tell her it wasn't Spencer's fault, it was his. But he couldn't, he was frozen.

Life after Spencer's resignation was difficult, for everyone. The team was having a hard time getting the information they needed without Spencer's genius brain which caused them to solve crimes later that they usually would. Not only did they lose the smartest member of their team, they also lost a friend, a brother.

Garcia's personality changed within the first few days. She became less positive and chatty, her outfits were more toned down to match her mood and though she still flirted with Derek, there was no bite to it like there usually was. JJ and Emily weren't as affected as everyone else was, though they had lost their best friend as well, they kept their eyes on the job and didn't talk much about him. Even Hotch seemed to be affected by Spencer quitting, if the way he became more snappy and started adding more to each member's workload said anything.

The one who was hit the most out of them all was Derek. His usual cocky alpha-male persona was quickly toned down, he became more reserved and didn't like to speak as often as he used to. Everyone was worried about him, especially when someone mentioned Spencer and he would close himself off, snap at everyone who tried to talk to him and sometimes not talk all together. He also stopped coming to work as often or coming in much later than usual and he would always look disheveled with red rimmed eyes and blotchy cheeks.

Garcia and JJ were understandably upset about Spencer leaving and spoke his name in vain. It made Derek's heart clench painfully hearing Reid's two biggest fans talk about him like trash but he couldn't bring himself to correct them, it was selfish he knew but he couldn't lost his friends, he just couldn't.

"I can't believe he just left, I mean did we mean nothing to him?" Derek had overheard Garcia saying once.

"Apparently not, I get he had some stuff going on but he should have talked to us about It instead of taking the cowards way out" JJ agreed.

"I guess that was what he was all along, a coward"

Derek growled at that and he knew if it wasn't Garcia and JJ, he wouldn't have hesitated to punch them right there and then. He stopped himself though because he knew it was wrong, he knew this wasn't their fault, they just didn't know the full story and could only see Spencer to blame.

Months passed and things eventually got better. After having a few days off work, Derek finally started breaking down his walls and talking to people more. He had come to terms long ago that he had something incredible with Spencer but thanks to one drunken, lonely night, he fucked it up and now it was over.

During the day, he would laugh and joke with his friends, put in his best efforts to solve cases and even managed to somewhat make friends with the guy who replaced Spencer. At night, he went home and drunk himself into an oblivion until he passed out on the kitchen floor and on the bad days, he would sit at the bottom of the shower and cry for everything he lost.

He couldn't bring himself to be mad at Spencer for leaving without talking things out first, chances are he would have done the same if the roles were reversed and even though his friends seemed to despise Spencer, he just couldn't.

His friends soon forgot about the person who etched his way into their hearts. Garcia and JJ were furious at first, their snappy attitudes towards Spencer getting in the way of their jobs until Hotch stepped in and basically told them to get over it. Emily, Rossi and Hotch weren't as blind as the other two were, they could clearly see something was upsetting Spencer the day before he quit and they knew they only had one side of the story. They also knew how much Spencer loved his job at the BAU and he would never throw it away without a damn good reason.

It was baffling really, how someone could be so loved by a group of people, how those people would literally kill for him and yet the second he hurt their feelings, they hated him and went as far to completely erasing him from their lives.

Garcia had deleted all of the photos of her and Spencer off her phone and computer, gotten rid of the photos in her office - even the group photo's - and would completely ignore anyone who even mentioned the name 'Spencer Reid'. JJ had done the same, except she would often talk about Spencer to her kids and share fond memories with Derek and Emily.

Derek knew all of this could have been avoided if he had just told everyone what he did in the beginning, hell it would have all been fine if he didn't cheat in the first place, but what's done is done. He still had the chance to talk to Spencer about it the next day and when Spencer pointedly walked away, he could have chased after him and forced him to talk but he didn't.

He knew it was beyond selfish of him to let his friends talk about Spencer with such foul mouths but he had already lost the best person in his life, he didn't need to lose his friends and job too.

There were days when the hurt of losing Spencer was too much and he would abruptly run to the bathroom to cry. He desperately wished he could talk to his friends about it but every time he mentioned the topic of his Pretty boy, the air in the room would become stiff and everyone would stare at him like he had done something illegal until Hotch stepped in and put everyone's focus back on track.

Unlike everyone else, he couldn't bring himself to forget Spencer. There was no way he could, not when every ounce of his apartment was filled with memories of him - his smell, his clothes -.

The bed was one of the places in his apartment that brought him so much pain because that was where most of their relationship happened, weather it be lying in each other's arms after a long case or he and Spencer showing each other pleasure they never thought possible. He knew he wasn't supposed to be the one in pain, this was all his doing and Spencer did the rational thing and broke things off, but it still hurt so damn much not being with his pretty boy anymore.

* * *

When Spencer put in his two week notice, he immediately went home and started packing his things. He knew he wouldn't be able to stay in his apartment, there were too many memories on each surface and he knew once the team found out, at least one of them would come over to talk him out of it.

He really didn't have a whole lot of things in his apartment - most of his belongings having been moved to Derek's when their relationship for more intimate - but it still took him almost 5 hours to sort and pack and by the time he was done, it was just getting dark outside.

As soon as he finished cleaning his apartment, he grabbed the last bag and walked out of the door with one last look before locking the door behind him.

He felt tears prick the back of his eyes when he realized he was leaving his family behind because he was too scared to talk to Derek about things but deep down, he knew he needed a break from getting hurt and going to stay in Vegas for a bit would do him a world of good. Plus, he could see his Mother when he wished which would help a lot.

It felt odd not having his messenger bag and gun on him but he left his bag at Derek's and there was way in hell he was going back for it, not when he had enough money to get by on his person. With the belongings he did have, he made his way to his car then began his journey to Las Vegas.

During the drive, he had a lot of time to reflect. He wasn't usually one to pity himself and he's been through a lot in his life - sure sometimes he felt a little insecure in the way he looked in comparison to Derek or he hated how he never seemed to shut up, but he would never voice his thoughts about himself out loud - but he never thought he would be in a relationship where cheating would be involved.

Derek had told him time and time again when Spencer was feeling insecure that their relationship was forever and Spencer really believed him. Over time, Spencer had even started to see his self worth and come to realize people had different traits that made them, them. Yet after everything, he still wasn't good enough for a proper break up. In Spencer's mind, Derek wasn't the one at fault, he was. It was his fault for not being attractive enough, for being dull and weak.

It was almost morning when Spencer arrived at the hotel in Vegas. He was exhausted, he was hungry and yet he still managed to haul box after box, bag after bag into his Hotel room before collapsing on the bed.

When he woke up in the morning, he was momentarily confused at where he was before he remembered, he had run away.

Spencer stretched his long limbs before standing up and going to the boxes beside the door, unpacking his things the best he could. There wasn't a whole lot of space in the Hotel and he had only rented it for a week but he still needed to get some clothes and some of his books out.

He retrieved clothes and toiletries from his bag and made his way to the shower to wash away the sweat that had collected on his body from the heavy lifting the day before.

Once inside the bathroom, Spencer darted past the mirror and was quick to strip off his sweaty clothes before stepping under the warm spray of water.

Spencer couldn't remember the last time he had looked in the mirror if he was honest. Before he and Derek broke up, he was constantly looking in mirrors to make sure he looked good for him. Derek always made sure to show Spencer just how beautiful he was when his mind said different but now that he wasn't here, he felt no need to look at something that would show the pain in his eyes.

The warm spray of water was quick to soothe the knots away from his neck, but did nothing to ease the tension at the back of his eyes or the ache in his bones. He had never felt this tired before, not even when he was ridden by nightmares after a hard case and he wasn't able to sleep for more than 2 hours for an entire week.

This feeling wasn't a sleepy tired, something a quick nap would get rid of. It was more of an exhausted feeling with a deep ache behind his eyes, heavy limbs and a constant jabbing pain in his heart. He was just so tired of not being good enough, for trusting people and getting stabbed in the back and just overall tired of bad things happening to him.

Spencer really thought he had hit the jackpot with Derek, had found a loyal guy who loved him for who he was, but he did always have bad judgement of people. The very thought of Derek's smile was enough to make his heart clench and for a fresh set of tears to slide down his face.

Once the tears started, they just wouldn't stop and he somehow ended up on his knees at the bottom of the shower, doubled over as painful sobs escaped his chapped lips. He had been so busy packing for Vegas he didn't let himself let his emotions out until now, and boy was he letting them out.

He knew he should have talked things out with Derek, listened to his side of the story and go from there but he was so shocked he just wanted to escape.

The worst part is he wasn't mad at Derek for ruining their relationship, he was mad at himself for not being good enough. There had to be some reason Derek went to another man and the obvious conclusion was that he simply wasn't putting enough effort into the relationship which eventually drove Derek away.

By the time the sobs passed, Spencer felt more exhausted than he had before and cursed himself for getting this upset by something he caused. The ache behind his eyes had durned to a dull throbbing, his lungs felt tight and his skin was itchy. He swallowed thickly and stared ahead, looking at how pathetic he looked in the steamy reflection of the shower.

Spencer hadn't even noticed he had started scratching at his arm until the itch stopped and he looked down to see he had broke the skin, blood swirling with the water down the drain. He knew he should put a bandage on his arm before too much blood escaped but something about the blood looked sickeningly fascinating and suddenly he needed more.

It wouldn't be the first time he had put a blade to his skin, he had started when he was 13 and struggled all through high school, only finding the strength to stop when he met the BAU or - more specifically - Derek. Derek had given him the strength and re-assurance he needed to throw his blades away and ignore the itch until it eventually went away.

Without Derek here to help him through it like he usually did, the itch was uncontrollable and he knew the only thing that could put him at ease was to make himself bleed.

Spencer stood up on shaky legs, steadying himself against the shower wall before stumbling to the boxes near the door. He picked up the box with the rest of his toiletries in it and rummaged through, the tears in his eyes blurring his vision until he gave up and dumped the entire contents of the box on the ground.

"Fuck, where is it!" Spencer sobbed as he continued to rummage through the pile on the floor, looking for the clear toothbrush container he stored his secret blades in. His heart thumped heavily in his chest, his vision blurred by salty tears which made everything ten times worse.

When he finally found the clear toothbrush case, he sobbed in relief and ran back to the shower so he didn't make a mess. He kneeled against the tiles, not caring about the bruises he was likely to have, and opened the case to reveal two shiny blades. Just seeing the piece of Metal had his heart racing in anticipation, his throat threatening to tear up at the thought of hurting himself.

He put the case down and backed away, staring intently at the blades as if making a decision. The last time he had cut himself was three years ago after he hadn't been able to talk down a teen unsub and had no choice but to shoot him. Derek was there in an instant, holding him as he sobbed and running soothing fingers over the fresh wounds.

_Derek isn't here now_ , his mind reminded him, _you chased him away._

Spencer sobbed again and carefully picked up the blade, running the pad of his thumb over the smooth metal as his mind raced. He knew the second he put that blade to his skin, the itch would go away and he would finally feel better, but he also knew the second that blade sliced his skin he wouldn't have the willpower to stop himself again.

_You didn't deserve him anyway, he was everything you're not. Fit, beautiful and funny_

He extended his arm out and put the blade against it, shivering as the cool metal touched his skin. His mind was having a mini battle with itself, trying to decide weather he should press harder or not. On one hand, he knew how hard it would be to stop the urge to hurt himself in the future and on the other, he was just so exhausted and needed to punish himself for being a horrible boyfriend, a horrible person.

_Do it, you deserve it. Do everyone a favor and cut deeper, no one would notice_

His hand seemed to move automatically at his brain's command and within seconds, he felt the familiar sharp pain as the blade sliced his skin and the sensation of warm blood running down his arm. He watched with wide eyes as the blood streamed down his arm, dripping onto the shower floor, swirling with the water and going down the drain.

Spencer's heart had started to slow and the itch had become dull, but it wasn't enough. He lifted his hand and sliced again, pressing a little harder than he had before. More crimson blood swirled down the drain and he knew he should stop if he didn't want to pass out but his body wouldn't co-operate.

He lifted the blade once more, this time turning vertically and pressing down. Spencer gasped as the blade cut a clean line up his arm, from his wrist to the faded track marks on the crook of his elbow. One part of his brain was telling him to get up and put a bandage on his arm before he bled out, but the other side was still spurting harsh words and he realized his brain was right, no one would care.

It felt strange, having this much blood pouring out of his arm onto his thighs and the white tiles of the shower but it wasn't an unwelcome feeling. The ache behind his eyes was still there but his chest felt lighter than it ever had, his shoulder's slumped in relief at the release of all the weight he had carried basically since he was born.

No longer did he feel exhausted. His limbs felt incredibly light, the itch under his skin replaced with a dull sting of water splashing on the wound and his heart clear of the degrading thoughts he has had since he was Thirteen.

Soon enough, his vision started to become hazy and he blinked a couple of times to focus on the blood, watching as endless streams swirled down the drain. He knew it was selfish to leave his Family and Friends behind without so much as note but it was too late now, what's done is done.

Spencer let a small smile spread his face as his eyes continued to blur and the stream of water faded to background noise. He knew this was what he wanted the moment he pressed the blade to his skin but he never anticipated it to feel so giddy, like he was just waiting for darkness to take him. He knew he was finally happy with the way life had taken him, he just hoped everyone else could finally be happy without him too.

* * *

An irritating beep next to his ear was the first thing that pulled him out of the darkness, that an the overpowering smell of chemicals. At first, he wondered if he was in heaven and angels would guide him towards the golden gate in the clouds, but then his fingers ran over the rough texture of sheets under him and he realized he was in the hospital.

_Of course,_ Spencer chucked sadly, _cant even kill myself properly._

He could hear shoes shuffling in the room, hushed voices floating with the air along with that irritating beep. He knew there was someone else in the room, he could feel their eyes raking down his body but he couldn't bring himself to open his eyes. Spencer knew the second he opened his eyes, he would be met with question after question from Doctors and he really wasn't in the mood for that right now.

He kept his eyes closed, desperate for this all to be a dream and wake up in Derek's arms, but nothing happened. He tried to go back to sleep but the every present beep next to his ear, the sharp pain in his arm and the feeling of being watched kept him alert.

Just as he was about to open his eyes and tell whoever was watching him to fuck off, he heard what sounded like a chair being scraped somewhere to his left and he felt the air around him move as the person sit down. Spencer didn't know who could be here apart from Doctors or his Mother but whoever it was, it made him very uneasy.

As much as he tried, he couldn't hold back the flinch as a hand touched his own, intertwining their fingers. He knew who it was just by the warmth and size of the hand, but he refused to believe it. There was no way Derek would be here, especially in Vegas. The BAU probably went to his apartment after he put in his two week notice but there was no way they knew where he had gone. He hadn't told anyone he was leaving, not even Hotch. So how did Derek know he was in Vegas, let alone the hospital?

"Spencer" Derek's shaky voice flowed in his ears and Spencer knew the other man was holding back tears. He wasn't sure why though, he wasn't worth the heartache.

"Baby boy, I'm so fucking sorry" Derek sniffled and tightened his hold on Spencer's hand. "I love you so much, so so much. This is all my fault"

Spencer wanted to scream at him, tell him it wasn't his fault he wasn't enough in the relationship, but his heart was racing so fast at the thought of _Derek_ sitting beside him he couldn't speak. With the rate his heart was increasing, he was sure the monitor would start frantically beeping.

Derek's hand tightened in his and soon after, Spencer felt what must have been Derek's head drop on the bed just beside his thigh. It was getting harder and harder to pretend to sleep with Derek's presence, especially hearing him beating himself up for something that wasn't his fault.

Just as Spencer was about to open his eyes, he heard another set of footprints which he instantly recognized as Garcia's heels clopping against the floor. He felt Derek's head lift of the bed and he could hear what sounded like Garcia and Derek hugging each other.

"The others decided to book a hotel for the night" Garcia said, followed by what sounded like her dragging a chair over to his bedside. "how is he?"

At the question, they both turned to look at him and he fought the urge to squirm under their gaze. He knew if one more person came in the room he wouldn't be able to pretend to be asleep any longer.

"I only got here half an hour ago. The docs say he lost a lot of blood and before we got here they had to give him blood" Derek explained and the tremble in his voice made Spencer want to cry.

"Do they know how long he'll be out for?" Garcia's voice was no more than a whisper, but there was a tremble in her voice as well. He really wished they wouldn't cry over him, he wasn't worth the tears.

"They said it could be anywhere between tonight and a few days" Derek sniffled. "Apparently he hasn't eaten in a couple of days and he has been stressed so it's more likely he'll wake up tomorrow sometime"

Garcia sighed and brought her hand up to squeeze Spencer's ankle, probably hoping it would coax some sort of reaction out of him but he was determined to pretend to be asleep for as long as he could. He still wasn't completely convinced this isn't a dream and they aren't really here. One side of him wanted this entire thing to be a dream and wake up in the hotel room but the other side wanted to wake up with Derek at his side where he would wrap his strong arms around him and tell him everything will be okay.

Spencer knew Derek deserved someone better than him in every aspect but that didn't stop the selfish part of him from wanting the other man to be his. Though he was constantly thinking he wasn't worth anything in the relationship, he still enjoyed the days where they would sit on the couch together. Spencer would lie with his head on Derek's lap, reading one of his books while Derek would sit with his feet up on the coffee table, watching TV and gently running his hands though Spencer's hair.

"Do you have any idea what could have caused this?" Garcia asked and Derek sucked in a breath at that. Spencer had to admit, he was surprised Derek didn't tell anyone what had happened but he guessed it was better if no one else knew.

"I really fucked up, Garcia" Derek sobbed. "I just missed him so much I didn't know what to do so went to a bar and got drunk. I don't know what happened next but some guy came over to me and started grinding up against me, he looked so much like Spencer and I just missed him so damn much I kissed him. It all happened so fast and before I even knew it we were back at my place and - oh god - Spencer came home"

By the time he was done talking, Derek's breaths were coming out in ragged puffs and Spencer knew he was hyperventilating. Despite that, he heard a chair scraping against the floor and Garcia's hand on his ankle disappeared.

"How could you do that?!" Garcia yelled, oblivious to Derek's situation.

"I- I don't know" Derek sobbed and gripped Spencer's hand with both of his, bringing it up to his lips and kissing each knuckle.

"You don't know?" Garcia parroted. Spencer felt his heart rate spike just by hearing her angry voice. It wasn't often they heard angry Penelope but on the rare occasions they did, it always made him nervous. "how could you not know what you were doing!?"

"All this time you let me hate Spencer for hurting you and leaving us when _you_ hurt him all along!"

The two were so preoccupied with their fight they didn't notice Spencer's body tremble or the numbers on the heart rate machine rapidly increase until an alarm sounded and seconds later, there were people running to his side.

"What's happening!?" Derek shouted over the alarms, his hand disappearing from Spencer's as he was pushed out of the way.

"You're yelling must have triggered a panic attack" A voice said from next to his ear as hands roamed all over his body.

Spencer could hear Derek's loud sobs and Garcia's shaky breaths over the beeping of the machine but he didn't have time to react when he felt a sharp pinch at his neck and he suddenly felt very tired. He knew they had given him a sedative to calm him down but he didn't care, all he wanted to do was wake up from this terrifying dream and go back to the way things were before.

It didn't take long for his limbs to feel light again. He could hear the machine slow down until it was beeping normally and before darkness took him, he felt Derek's hand return to his twice as strong.

When Spencer woke up again, it was to the feeling of a strong body pushed up against his and a head resting between his shoulder blades. He sighed at how fuzzy the contact made him but refused to let himself enjoy it and shifted as carefully could, wincing as his injured arm got trapped between himself and Derek.

Derek shifted behind him and Spencer knew him shifting had woken the other man up.

"Spencer" Derek sighed a breath of relief and Spencer didn't have time to react when he was engulfed in a bear hug, Derek's strong arms wrapping around his small waist.

"God, i'm so sorry baby, i- i don't know why i- oh god i'm so sorry i love you so much" Derek rambled into his shoulder and Spencer could feel tears soaking through the hospital gown.

Spencer couldn't do anything but awkwardly hug him back, his mind racing with questions and thoughts but he kept them to himself. He didn't understand why Derek was so upset, or why he was here in the first place. He had the chance to see somebody else, someone who was actually worth something in life, yet he chose to drive 13 hours from Quantico to Vegas just to sit in a stuffy hospital room for god knows how long.

Derek eventually pulled back, tears streaming down his cheeks, chocolate brown eyes staring back at him with such pain and guilt it made Spencer want to crawl in a hole die.

"I'm sorry" Spencer whimpered. After everything, he still found himself apologizing for making life so hard.

"Why are _you_ sorry? _i'm_ the one who fucked everything up" Derek frowned.

Spencer didn't really want to say why he was sorry, why he felt like he was such a a burden in life he wanted to leave it. He knew Derek would be upset after spending years working with Spencer's self worth issues, all for it to crumble to the ground within a week.

Instead, he took a shuddering breath and buried his face in Derek's shoulder, crying silently into the older mans chest. Having Derek's strong arms wrap snugly around his torso made his heart flutter and he knew then he still loved him. Of course he loved him, especially since he was the one who helped show Spencer how much he was loved.

"Shh, it's okay baby" Derek murmured, gently cupping Spencer's head and the other staying around his waist.

"I just wanna go home" Spencer sniffled, keeping his head buried. He knew Derek would insist taking him home and staying with him, which meant they would have to talk at some point but for now, he would keep Derek close before the inevitable happened and Derek would leave him.

"I know, we just have to wait a few more hours until you can be discharged and then you're coming home with me" Derek said, carding his hands through Spencer's hair. It made him warm and fuzzy inside to remember the days where they would sit on the couch, Spencer reading a book while he untangled the knots in his mess of curls.

Spencer grumbled in his chest but didn't move, letting himself enjoy the feeling of Derek's fingers carding through his hair. He knew it would all stop in a matter of day's so he let himself enjoy it while he could.

It wasn't long before Derek's hand twirling the ends of his hair and and the sound of his strong heartbeat against his ear lulled Spencer to sleep. Derek smiled, his heart tugging painfully at the thought that he had almost lost Spencer.

When Hotch approached the bullpen with tears in his eyes that morning, the team knew something was up. When the team was informed by one of the Doctors at a hospital in Vegas that Spencer was in the hospital, Derek didn't waste a second before bolting to his car.

It wasn't until they got to the hospital an spoke to the Doctor - one they had previously worked on a case with who knew Spencer - did they find out their baby genius was in the hospital for suicide attempt did everything stop.

JJ and Garcia couldn't stop crying, Emily and Hotch stared blankly with wide eyes and Rossi like usual, was the one to keep everyone sane. Derek was the one who broke down the most, sinking to his knees as heartbreaking sobs wracked his body, screaming at any Doctor to try and find out where his Spencer was.

When news of Spencer's condition was finally told, Derek was the one who went with the Doctor to see him.

The second he saw his boyfriend lying in the hospital bed, his skin deathly pale with needles in every vein, machines strapped to his chest and a large bandage wrapped around his wrist, Derek cried like he never had before.

He knew this was his fault and he didn't know how to make it better, but he was going to try his hardest to make everything okay again.

* * *

The next morning, both Spencer and Derek were both awake before the sun rise, feeling anxious about the day ahead of them. They spent most of the morning wrapped in each others embrace, neither one of them wanting to talk about anything just yet and instead watching the TV in the room.

It had just gone midday when a nurse came in with discharge papers, making him promise to see a therapist. Spencer agreed, though there was no way in hell he was going to see a shrink.

"Doctor Reid, i know you just want to go home but you have to sign some papers for me first" The pretty young nurse had said, giving Spencer a tired but kind smile.

"Fine" Spencer huffed, taking the papers that were handed to him. Twice Derek had to put his hand over Spencer's because his hands were so shaky from excitement.

When he was finished signing and had promised for the third time to see a shrink, he was finally allowed to go home. Since they were in Vegas and all of Spencer's things were still in the hotel, they had agreed to stay there for a few days until they both felt rested enough to go home.

"Can you drive any slower?" Spencer grumbled as Derek was once again stuck behind a car.

Derek chuckled, reaching over to take Spencer's hand in his own. His heart was racing, thinking the move was too forward but when Spencer didn't pull away, his grin only widened.

"Why don't you try to sleep, there's only a few minutes left but you look tired" Derek said, tightening his grip. Spencer grumbled but relented, curling his feet onto the seat and resting his head on the window.

He tried everything. Taking deep breaths, feeling the hum of the engine underneath him, even counting bloody sheep, but he still couldn't sleep.

Derek seemed to notice this and pulled his hand away, repositioning it to Spencer's head so he could run his hands through his hair, the way he knew soothed the younger man.

It didn't though, and Spencer eventually gave up and watched the tops of the tress though the window until they arrived at the hotel.

As soon as they unlocked the door, Spencer flopped down onto the bed. Derek stayed back, his eyes roaming over the suitcase and boxes near the door. He balled his hands into fists to stop himself from lashing out and punching something because of what he did.

Derek walked over and sat at the edge of the bed, wondering what to do now. He knew they needed to talk and there was a lot to be said but Spencer still seemed so tired and they had only just got inside so he decided to leave it for now.

"Want me to run you a bath so you can sleep?" Derek asked, tucking the fallen hairs behind Spencer's ear.

Spencer looked skeptical and it took Derek a few seconds to realize why, and when he did it left an uneasy feeling in his stomach.

"I'll bath with you, if you want" Derek asked skeptically. Spencer finally nodded, following Derek to the bathroom. They both pointedly ignored the shower, lumps forming in their throats.

Derek turned on the tub, putting the lavender scented bubble bath in the water and swishing the water around until it was the right temperature. He then walked back to Spencer, hesitating before pressing a kiss to his forehead while he started unbuttoning his shirt. He didn't miss the way Spencer was trembling but he decided to ignore it in favor of getting undressed.

When they were both naked, Derek took Spencer's hand and gently pulled him to sit between his legs in the water, his back to his chest, careful to keep his wrist out of the water.

Spencer slumped against his chest, closing his eyes and hoping to god he could get some sleep. Derek understood and kept quiet, reaching for the wash cloth to lather soap all over Spencer's creamy skin. He rubbed some soap onto his back, giving the younger man a massage to ease the tension.

"That feels good" Spencer sighed, the familiar tugging behind his eyes letting him know he was starting to get tired.

Derek smiled, rinsing the soap off Spencer's back then moving to his head. He took a handful bubbles and started massaging it into Spencer's curls, his heart tugging at the sighs he was getting as a response.

It wasn't long before Derek felt Spencer's breathing started to even out and he knew they needed to get out. Derek reluctantly tapped Spencer's shoulder until the younger man understood and stood up.

Derek reached for the towel hanging near the bath and started drying Spencer off, pressing soft kisses to every bit of skin he could reach until he was dry. He then quickly dried and dressed himself before leading Spencer to the bed and pulling the covers over him. Derek settled behind him, wrapping his arms around the younger man and intertwining their legs.

It didn't take long before Spencer finally drifted off to sleep and Derek was left alone with his thoughts.

He hated himself more than he ever had for hurting Spencer and he knew there was something bothering the younger man but wouldn't say anything. He knew that was all in the past now and the only thing they could do was talk things out with each other and focus on each other.

* * *

They woke up sometime in the afternoon, Spencer snuggling into Derek's chest with the older mans arms wrapped tightly around him.

"Hey" Derek smiled sleepily, pressing a kiss to Spencer's forehead. Spencer smiled in return, something lingering in his eyes but no one brought it up, instead opting for an early dinner.

Derek stood up and pulled out his phone, deciding to call a Chinese place for dinner so they didn't have to leave the hotel room. He knew Spencer was still so tired, both mentally and physically so he wanted him to stay in bed for as long as he could.

Half an hour later their food was delivered and they were on the bed with their food between them, watching reruns of Law And Order on the hotel TV and making fun of the acting

Spencer looked so innocent sitting with his legs crossed on the bed, shoveling a forkful of Chinese noodles in his mouth every few seconds while watching the show like he had never seen it before.

Derek wasn't sure why, but he found himself reaching for Spencer's hand once again.

"You know I love you, right Spence?" Derek asked. Spencer froze ,a forkful of noodles stopping halfway to his mouth as he looked at the other man with wide eyes.

"y-yeah I know " Spencer said eventually, though it was clear in his eyes that he did _not_ know.

Derek sighed, knowing the conversation had to happen eventually. "i know i fucked up big time and i don't expect everything from you, i just want to take care of you"

Spencer flushed at that, his cheeks growing an shade of bright red like he did when they first stared dating and Derek would compliment him.

"I-i'm sorry for.. you know, i guess i was just so tired" Spencer confessed. It surprised Derek to hear him take the first step in the conversation but he said nothing, only tightened his grip on his hand.

"i know baby, i know" Derek sighed. "i'm so sorry, i know it doesn't make up for everything but i don't know what else i can do"

"it's not your fault" Spencer whispered, looking down at his hands.

"what do you mean it's not my fault, of course it is" Derek furrowed his eyebrows, unable to understand why the other man thought that. He then remembered what Spencer had said earlier in the hospital and he knew there was something he wasn't telling him.

"Spence" Derek said quietly but firmly, using his other hand to lift his chin up. "what did you mean earlier in the hospital when you said you were sorry"

Spencer sighed, knowing this was where things would go downhill. "i'm sorry for driving you away. I know i wasn't attractive enough or good enough and didn't put enough effort into the relationship. I'm sorry you felt like cheating was the only solution."

"Spencer" Derek breathed out, his bottom lip wobbling as he tried to keep his tears in. He couldn't believe Spencer blames himself for being cheated on. "this was not your fault"

When Spencer didn't answer, instead sniffling quietly and looking down at his hands, Derek squeezed his hand until he looked up.

"i mean it, Reid" Spencer knew he meant what he said because of the lack of pet name but still wasn't convinced. " Spencer, you don't understand how much you mean to me, how gorgeous you are, how much i want to spend the rest of my life with you. You put in the most effort you could handle into the relationship and i understood that"

"If that's true, you wouldn't have went to another guy" Spencer smiled sadly.

"I went to the other guy because i missed you so much i got drunk and he looked so much like you my brain shut off. I don't know how to explain it but it doesn't matter, there is no explanation. I just want you to know how much i love you, i want to show you if you'll let me"

Spencer nodded, though he still wasn't entirely convinced it wasn't his fault. He knew he had allot of bad days and he did the best he could, but there obviously was more he should have done. Derek understood from the beginning that some days Spencer would just feel so shit about himself he didn't want to talk to anyone and he kept his distance until thing settled down.

He didn't understand that if he was good enough, like Derek said, why the other man would want someone else but he didn't want to think about it anymore, all he wanted to do was be with Derek.

Derek could see Spencer was still stuck in his head and though he knew the younger man thought this entire ordeal was his fault, but it was clear there was more going on.

"what's going on in your head, Pretty boy" Derek teased, trying to ease the tension in the room.

"i just-" Spencer trailed off, biting his lip and looking down at his lap. "i just cant help but wonder what's wrong with me, what i did wrong for you to feel like you had to cheat"

Derek sighed, squeezing his eyes shut to will away the tears. "Theres nothing wrong with you, baby. What i said was the truth, i went to the other guy because i didn't know how to cope being away from you for so long"

Spencer still didn't seem convinced so Derek decided he needed to show him in another way.

"Can i show you how much you mean to me?" Derek asked, leaning in to press his lips to Spencer's in a soft kiss.

Spencer nodded, closing his eyes and connecting their lips together. Derek's hands went to his face, cupping his jaw and running his thumbs over his cheekbones.

Both men's hearts burst of their chests when tongues were added into the mix and it wasn't long before the kiss turned hot and insecurities were forgotten about. Spencer made a move to straddle Derek's lap but the older man stopped him with a soft glare.

"This is about you, baby boy. Let me pleasure you" Derek said, leaning in to kiss his way along Spencer's jaw. He made sure to keep his kisses soft but firm, partly to tease Spencer but mainly to make sure how much he's loved is put into the kisses.

Spencer whimpered when Derek started making his way down his neck, his pants starting to tighten at the pressure. He could feel Derek's tongue soothing over marks he was making but judging by how quickly he was moving along, they would be faint.

"Derek" Spencer gasped when Derek reached the most sensitive spot on his neck. He could feel Derek's hard on in his pants, as well as his own, and he was already desperate for friction. It had only been a few months since the last time they had sex but it felt like years.

Derek hummed in response, keeping his mouth latched onto Spencer's neck as he pulled the younger mans shirt off. Spencer shuddered at the chill of the cool air on his hardening nipples and let himself be pushed backwards as Derek climbed on-top of him, straddling his hips.

"Gonna make you feel good" Derek mumbled as he kissed down Spencer's pale chest, making sure to cherish every bit of skin.

Spencer let out a breathy moan when Derek's tongue swirled around his peaked nipples, the warmth of his mouth sending a wave of pleasure down his back.

"Beautiful" Derek whispered as he kissed his way down Spencer's arm, rolling his tongue around the pulse point of his wrist, locking eyes with the other as he kissed his knuckles before making his way back up his arm.

"Gorgeous" was said when Derek kissed down Spencer's breast bone, lingering to feel his heart for a moment then going down to his rib. He didn't like the way he could feel each of Spencer's ribs under his mouth and he made mental note to force food down his throat later.

Spencer's muscles tightened when Derek's mouth reached his waistband, trailing his tongue down the trail of hairs under his navel.

"Please" Spencer squirmed, desperate for any type of friction. Derek got the message and tugged on his pants, Spencer lifting his hips to make it easier.

Derek groaned at the sight of Spencer's swelled cock, all red and wet for him. His heart bursting out of his chest at the realization that was for him.

"look at you, so beautiful for me" Derek murmured, leaning down to press a quick kiss to the tip. He painfully ignored Spencer's gasps and moans in favor of sucking on his hip bones, trailing his tongue over the sharp jut.

"D-Derek please" Spencer whimpered, his hands grasping the sheets so hard his knuckles turned white.

"Not yet baby" Derek said into Spencer's inner thigh, smiling at the desperate sounds coming from his boy's mouth. He continued on, trailing kisses down Spencer's legs, spending extra time on his thighs.

By now, his own cock was raging hard in his pants and was teetering on the edge of pleasurable to painful but he ignored it, this wasn't about him. He reached for Spencer's hand with one of his, interlocking their finger while the other reached down to cup his own balls, groaning at the much needed friction.

"Fuck, Derek please" Spencer cursed as Derek continued to deny him friction he desperately needed.

Though there was still much more of Spencer that needed to be worshipped, it was clear they were both starting to get desperate so he sped up. With one last kiss to Spencer's ankle, he trailed his tongue up his other leg until he got to his hip bone.

"What do you want from me, baby" Derek asked. Spencer lifted his head off the pillow to look at him with dark, lust filled eyes and a deep flush starting from his cheeks to his chest.

"I don't care, just hurry up about it" Spencer huffed. Derek chuckled, though the sound of Spencer's husky voice sending shivers down his spine.

Derek thought about the endless possibilities, the kinks they have yet to explore, but decided on what they normally did. He was going to please his boy the best he could and then later, when they were back at home and had talked things out, he was going to worship him.

Of course, there was a thought in the back of his mind that tonight would be it for them but he could see in Spencer's eyes they weren't over yet and he would try his damn hardest to get his soulmate back.

"Want me to suck you off baby boy?" Derek asked, trailing teasing fingers along the inside of Spencer's thigh, his knuckles lightly brushing his cock that was raging hard, beads of pre-come sliding down the root.

Spencer nodded frantically, his hands coming to Derek's head to urge him along. Derek, deciding his teasing was crossing the line between playful and unbearable, let himself be pulled towards the younger mans raging cock.

He barely had time to suck in a breath before Spencer was pushing his head onto his cock, his mouth sliding down the slender length at once.

When the tip hit the back of his throat, he momentarily gagged before he relaxed his throat enough so nose was touching the hairs at the base of his stomach.

"God" Spencer let out another breathy moan, the sound going straight to Derek's untouched  
cock. His fingers twitched to jerk himself off but he stopped himself, knowing this was about his boy, not him.

It didn't take long to set a pace, Spencer's long cock sliding easily back and forth down his throat with Spencer's hands on his head, urging him on. Once he was comfortable with the feeling, he hallowed his cheeks and sped up the pace.

Spencer was a mess beneath him, his hands moving from Derek's head to his shoulders, his back arching when the right spot hits the back of Derek's throat. Derek didn't need to look up to know Spencer's hair would be a mess, a bright red flush would be down his throat, his lips would be bruised, his eyes blown wide with faint love bites on his neck. Overall, that look would be something Derek had previously categorized as beautiful.

With Derek's pace quickening, Spencer's cock was hardening at a rate which the other man knew was the familiar sign of an orgasm.

"Close" Was all Spencer managed to get out, his mind far too melted to think of anything else to say. He could feel the warm tingling making its way up his back and he knew if Derek didn't stop soon, he would come.

Luckily, Derek got the message and pulled off with a wet pop. He licked his lips, lapping up the pre-come in his mouth before leaning up to kiss Spencer, letting him taste himself. The taste of his own pre-come was too salty, yet Spencer's cock twitched. He knew he had a bit of a come-eating kink which was kept entirely to himself, not even Derek knew about it, but the taste of his own seed was intoxicating.

"Gonna make you feel good" Derek promised with one last peck to Spencer's lips before he rolled off in search for lube. Spencer wanted to argue that he was already feeling good and he wouldn't mind if Derek decided just to blow him until he came, but Derek came back with the lube before he could say so.

He could feel Derek's hands on his legs, kneading the muscles in his strong hands to get him to loosen up but he couldn't help picturing Derek with that other guy. From what Spencer briefly saw, there hadn't been any penetration between Derek and the other guy but judging by the way Derek's lips were bruised, they had kissed.

It made him feel sick to think about Derek kissing another guy, his hands running over skin reserved only for him and even though Spencer knew Derek was pleasuring him right now, he couldn't stop thinking about it.

"Forget about that, pretty boy, think about how good you feel" Derek soothed, peppering kisses all over his face while his hands worked at loosening Spencer up.

Derek propped Spencer's hips onto a pillow, gaining a view of his pretty pink hole, fluttering around nothing. His mouth watered with the want to feel Spencer's hole fluttering around his tongue but he soon forgot that thought in favor of squirting lube onto his fingers.

Once the lube was generously coated on his fingers, he rested one hand on the small of Spencer's stomach while the other traced circles around his hole. He could feel Spencer start to squirm under him so he slowly pushed his finger in, soothing the burn with slow rubs to his stomach.

"Derek" Spencer sighed, his hands digging in to Derek's shoulder as the first finger began to slowly pull out, circling the entrance before pushing back in. Derek continued this process a few more times until Spencer was begging for more. He then added another finger, spreading his fingers wide as he pushed in.

"Oh fuck!" Spencer moaned when Derek's fingers brushed against his prostate, his entire body jerking with pleasure. Now that he had found the spot, Derek continue to brush Spencer's prostate until his cock was pulsing red.

"Please just fuck me, i want to feel the burn" Spencer begged, nails digging into the other mans shoulders until he relented.

Derek pulled away, pressing a wet kiss to Spencer's neck as he blindly reached beside him for the lube he discarded somewhere on the bed earlier. When he finally found the lube, he pulled away to coat his fingers until he deemed them wet enough then slicked himself up.

When he was ready, he leant back over Spencer and looked into his eyes as he slowly slid past the rim of muscle. It was only a look, but Spencer had never felt so loved in his life before. His previous doubts of not being good enough were still in the back of his mind and he still wondered if this would be it for them, but he no longer wondered if Derek really did love him or not.

"I love you, i love you, i love you" Derek repeated against Spencer's lips as he continued to push in until their bodies were flush together. Spencer felt tears prick at the back of his eyes, partly from the sensation of being so full, but mostly from finally seeing just how much Derek loved him.

"I love you too" Spencer found himself saying as Derek slowly pulled out until just the tip was still inside him, then slowly pushed back in again.

The pace was agonizingly slow but Spencer couldn't bring himself to care, not when Derek's face was buried in his neck and their hands were tangled together beside his head.

Derek pulled out again, this time pushing in faster and repeating until they set a fast pace. When Derek's cock brushed against his prostate, Spencer cried out and began bucking his hips in time with Derek's thrusts.

"Oh god!" Spencer whined as Derek continued thrusting hard into him, hitting his prostate with every thrust.

Spencer never wanted this to end, never wanted to stop feeling so loved. He could feel Derek sucking hickies onto his neck but he couldn't bring himself to care, too busy trying to keep his moans quiet.

With Derek's cock continuing to brush his prostate, added with the older man's hand reaching between them to strip his cock, it wasn't long before he was coming with a shout.

Spencer's body shook as wave after wave of pleasure hit him at once. He barely calmed down in time to feel Derek's cock throbbing as he came too.

"Fuck" Derek chuckled, carefully pulling out and slumping next to Spencer.

"Fuck" Spencer agreed, using the little ounce of strength he had left to roll into Derek's arms. His heart skipped a beat when Derek's strong arms wrapped around his waist, pulling him  
impossibly closer.

"I love you, Spencer Reid" Was all Spencer heard before his eyes grew heavy and he drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

The smell of bacon and eggs was what Spencer woke up to in the morning and during his post sex haze, he almost didn't question how Derek got bacon and eggs in a hotel room.

He cracked an eye open to see a tray of bacon and eggs sitting at the end of the bed, along with a freshly showered Derek who was stealing a pieces of bacon.

"When did you order this" Spencer asked as he pushed himself to sit with his back against the headboard.

Derek chuckled, leaning over to press a kiss to Spencer's slightly parted lips with a fond smirk. "I ordered it when i woke up, figured we could use the fuel"

Spencer smiled at the thought, a little surprised Derek was still actually here. He knew it was irrational to think so but he wondered if Derek would be there when he woke up.

"I'm starving" Spencer said, reaching out to grab a piece of bacon. Derek chuckled and served him up a plate, smiling fondly before making himself one.

The two ate in silence, the only noises being their breathing and the footsteps outside the door. Spencer could feel Derek's eyes on him and he knew they were both thinking the same thing, _where do we go from here._

"Spence" Derek said, carefully putting the plate beside him and taking his hands. "i'm just going to say it. I want you back, i know i really fucked things up and it will take a while to gain my trust again but if you're willing, i would like my baby back"

"Yes" Spencer didn't have to think about it, he knew he wanted Derek as well. There was still a voice telling him he wasn't worth it but the way Derek was looking at him suggested otherwise. "Yes, i want to try again. We both fucked up but were meant to be together, well get through it"

He could see Derek's inner turmoil about Spencer still blaming himself, but the older man soon seemed to forget about it in favor of grinning happily and peppering kisses to Spencer's face.

There was still a lot they needed to talk about, things they still needed to sort through, but things were going to work out eventually, they always did.


End file.
